Starting with excuses

Hello there.

I started this blog almost two months ago, posted once and forgot about the whole thing until this moment. I read the previous post, decided to save it just for myself and start over - not that I actually except anyone to care how I'm forming my thoughts. If there is, however, someone reading this, I'll start with excusing my English; it's not my native language and even after six months of speaking it I do some mistakes. Please notify me about the worst ones (or about all of them, really) and I'll try to correct them. Secondly, I have a habit of blabbering about trivial details and forgetting to write down the actual point. Oh - and I seriously have no idea if I'm going to post anything after this night, and if I will, whether I'm going to post once a week, a month or every three years.

But yeah, my point in starting a blog is to get my thoughts in readable form for people who simply don't understand, or want to ask me stuff but don't know how and to anyone else who is interested. (I would really love to encounter someone in a similar situation, but since I'm really lucky if I get even one of my friends to read this post, I don't have much hope for that to happen.) This whole change has surprised me, and will probably shock a lot of people I know as this gets to the gossip.

So, in Janyary 2011 I went abroad to study for half a year in some place totally new. You know, to get new experiences, to meet new cool people and to be, like, totally independent for a change. Most importantly, I left abroad to get to know myself a bit better, to see who I would be outside my comfort zone - and boy, did I find a lot of interesting new stuff. I do believe that what I found is going to make my life a bit difficult when I go back to home within a month, since the few tries to talk about this have resulted in reactions I kinda wished I could avoid.

And no, I did not find out I used to be a closeted lesbian. Would probably have been easier, considering the people I hang out with are mostly more or less outside the normal stereotypes and as surprising my sudden interest in girls would have been, it wouldn't be anything new after all. Finding a girlfriend would have been quite easy, just changing my relationship status, receiving few shocked "What the -?!"s and a lot more congrats and no one would even remember when I actually got back.

Nope, didn't get a girlfriend. I got myself babtised and joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or, as you probably will know it, the Mormon Church.

Joining a church, well, I think I did the only thing I could have to get into trouble with people I know. They do support everything, and anyone can have their own opinions and ideas, but joining a church? I mean, sure, the
easygoing, think-what-you-will lutheran church that doesn't seem to know how to keep everyone happy and tries anyway - that church would be almost cool to join, and half of them would believe I did it just to be ironical or whatever. The Latter-day Saints, however, are quite strict in what is right and what is wrong and, good grief girl, they think black people go to Hell and that a man can get to Heaven only if he marries at least three women before he dies!

...no, wait. That's not it. Those are the apostaces, who got separated from the church shortly after the founder, Joseph Smith, died. The largest, real Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or LDS, as I'm going to refer to it from now on) so totally does not support polygamy (if you can call it that - within the fundamentalist branches it's only the men who get to have multiple partners) or discriminate based on cultural backgrounds. LDS church does, however, have quite strong rules on other things, like having sex before marriage, drinking alcohol or using other drugs, homosexuality and well, basically anything that free spirits of present times don't think should be restricted.

And of course majority of my friends, acquaintances and anyone I know are these so called free spirits. I hang out with all kinds of LARPers, geeks, computer nerds and other normal kids with (mostly) healthy views on alcohol, relationships and life in total. So letting them know I will no longer drink alcohol and that I go to church every Sunday is probably not going to get the party started - mostly just because I "used to be so intelligent and submitted just suddenly to someone else's rules and what the f man, religion, srsly?" or some other variant of that. Not that believing in God would be bad in itself, no, it's the whole church thing behind it.

I'm expecting quite a lot of difficult and frustrating discussions, difficult in a way that I haven't figured out everything just yet. I don't feel like I would have changed, just found more about what I believe in, and I have not yet dwelled upon all the aspects of things I support now as a member of the church. I don't have all the answers, not even the right questions and quite frankly I'm a bit afraid of getting into whatever is going to happen when I return home.

I do know one thing, though. I didn't get babtised just for the lulz. I could have waited until I know everything, or at least enough, but I didn't. I do know that this is the right road for me to take. I believe God is my Heavenly Father, that Jesus Christ is our Saviour and that His true church has been restored for all of us to learn and know of the Plan. This does not, however, mean that I know and agree to everything that has ever been said by the LDS leaders or members; I have a lot of thinking and praying to do to have better idea of all this.

I could have decided to come back and be quiet, but that would have been as healthy as being gay and deeply in the closet - not healthy at all in the long term. Besides, I think the best timing would be now, me having been away for six months and having to anyway explain a lot of things and find my place at home again. And I think my friends and family do deserve an explanation - and since I'm not that good with words in person, I chose to start this blog. Maybe it will help only me, as a way to organize my thoughts, but hopefully I will find someone to give this link to, who'll also read what I wrote.

I haven't changed. My hobbies haven't changed, reading fantasy books and LARPing may not be the most common thing to do on one's free time as a LDS, but at least for now no one has told me it's not allowed. I won't start forcing anyone to accept my beliefs or shun away all my friends with funny sexlives or tendencies to party even a bit too wildly. I will of course be doing a lot of new stuff, like praying and attending church things, but that shouldn't affect anyone else but me - and I do kinda hope that everyone will just know and accept this without a fight. Hoping never did anyone any harm, even if it sometimes (and in this case) is a bit too optimistic to believe that all hopes can come true.

So, bye, for now. I will try and explain how I got into this whole mess in my next post. After that I have no idea what I'm going to write, most likely muse on whatever is bothering me at late nights when I should've been fast asleep hours ago.


p.s. As for the name of this blog, well - the only thing so far I had any difficulties with, was the commandment of not drinking tea, at all. Everything else seems to have a point, alcohol and drugs ruin your mind and body, coffee is addictive and so on, but tea? I decided that I could give that up just as well, and do now know that drinking Rooibos and herbal things without tea leaves is okay, so I'll live. But anyway, a life as a LDS is a life without real tea.

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